once upon a jan

Monday, 27 January 2014

Jan, January, the month of lofty emotions. With things being unusually... different. The state I'm in right now is glorious, as long as I forget there's tomorrow and life, and changes of the heart. Time flies, runs through my fingers, gives frustration. I am slowly moving on with my school, preparing for one final exam of that term -- physiology, which, it's really fair to say, was the toughest I have had to face so far. Most time-consuming, perhaps. I will be spending my days in the library, 10am till 8pm of book reading and notes making leaves no space for the simple pleasures for the body or the mind.

Moving on-- with a feeling that I shouldn't miss on what's happening, I decided to take my Practica out and shoot more than I did the past few months. Funny, it got colder, but my heart got more eager. Temperatures outside are crazy, but thanks to the sun and smiling faces around me, I get through. If it wasn't for numb fingers, whenever I take me gloves off, I'd certainly say that winter this year isn't that bad. I was afraid of its cold touch upon my heart, but just when it started to freeze over, you turned the heat on again. Sincere thank you, darling. If I were to list the events that made the January the way it was, I should definitely mention Gdansk conference being a total win, at least for me, laying my hands on the new Murakami, Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki, Friday breakfasts, which we could make a tradition (I wouldn't mind), cooking for someone, under the table touching, and reunion with winter. 

The feeling that surfaces the most is powerlessness, and even though I feel positive most of the time, I am actually pretty miserable. Whatever I do, I influence nothing. I just float. I am not even sure if I am currently on a tidal wave. I'm just somewhere, in the middle of the ocean, in the middle of nowhere. I mistake shadows as islands, storms as places to embark. The views are fantastic, I must add, the water's surface, on some days, glitters in the sun, and it's easy to let my heart love this state I am in. But sun only comes out this often, the rest is a mist, too thick to get through with my eyesight. The mist, which, it seems, I could choke on. But I stay on this raft, not even eager to seek a way out. The exit could mean one out of two things, drowning or actually getting somewhere if I just decided to take a chance and swim towards something, towards anything, rather than accept everything, every drop of water that gets into my lungs, smiling, pretending I am the toughest kid on the block, which I am not. I am not the toughest, I might still be a kid, but I am not made of steel. I am made of hopes and dreams, ups and downs. I am made of everyone that ever left me hanging, of each goodbye and every hello that made me smile after a long time of no smiling. I have trust issues and distance issues, actually a hell lot of issues, waiting to be approached. And most of all, I am capable of being nothing more than myself. So if it is not enough, I think I should rather want to drown in my own tears than pretend I am okay with us. The should do's were never my best friends though.

Then finally he was able to accept everything. Tsukuru Tazaki understood it at the bottom of his soul. People’s hearts are not linked only by harmonies. Rather, they are connected deeply by scars and scars. Tied by pains, and by vulnerabilities.

amor fati

Monday, 20 January 2014

There are things that linger on. Someone's smell, hair under a pillowcase, temporary numbness surrounding your mind, leaving it sheltered, and questions, a lot of questions. (One could quote Meredith Grey and say We're adults. When did that happen? And how do we make it stop?) Or rather, can we make it work and count? Jumping through subsequent stages of intimacy, I think I love 2014. As much as I tried to avoid making a happy jar for 2014, after Gdansk last week, the peril and fear of having it completely empty for now, disappeared completely. I think my reality is lovely right now. Nothing's ever perfect though, and nothing lasts forever. Knowing that, I appreciate your existence and its touch upon my days. This is the most that I am capable of feeling at this point. The higher my mountains are, the deeper my valleys will seem. I'm afraid of tomorrow and how inevitable the end is, but all I can do is find joy in the little moments that the currents bring my way. I have doubts though, I have never been that close with someone and I am not sure if I can pull this off. It's terrifying, really. So the last thing I want to do right now is overthink it all. Some things has been altered. Some will never be the same again. How come I can't seem to find the right words? All that I wanted was a little touch, a little tenderness and truth. Sure, Laci was right, debuts change nothing. Personalities clash, reality happens, time slows down then speeds up irrationally. Waiting for the right moment to push things forward was definitely one of my wisest decisions. Now I'm here and this is me. Bare and heedless. 

Second roll shot with my new Fisheye, which, according to my girls, is not exactly a real camera. We spent our Friday being class acts, drinking pink California wine and smoking cherry flavored tobacco. Winter and I finally reunited, to the point where I want to grab my Praktica, with a black & white film inside (definitely not for funeral purposes, damn you), go out for a walk and shoot. Uni is being demanding, but classes finish one by one, leaving me to decide what to do with my free time. I know exactly what I would love to do, yet I need to remain sage and believe that my textbook should still stay on as my best friend. We are young, we should live to the fullest. One day we will, perhaps.

taste and decency.

Thursday, 9 January 2014

You started to question my taste, just as I began to question my decency. And just like that we went through the last two weeks -- to the point when it was funny to hear someone say that I must have missed you. Oh the clueless. Thank you for making my comeback more bearable, and nice, pretty nice, I must admit.

I'd say the idea of the rest of this week seems just too pleasant. Not so long ago I was in Gdansk, saying hi to 2014, and now I'm coming back there. Gdansk PTSS conference is my second conference (check out pictures from the Warsaw conference in November of last year), yet the first to happen in the new year, therefore, I suppose, it still has a lot to live up to. No pressure though! Just a 7 hours long train ride, it's not like I expect fireworks. I do, actually. I do.

Every time I leave this city, is like the stable foundation, on which it exists in my mind, collapses. This is why it is so abstract to come back here and live my life just as I did before. Even though I have my place, my bed, lots of personal items scattered around our apartment, each time I come back, it is like I was building something from scratch.

Funny thing, my life. It constantly makes me question what is real and what is not. In about two thirds of cases, I never actually find out. It scares me how easy is to make up something in your mind, fall for an idea, a concept. It is all fun and games until someone gets hurt, which is often the case. I wish my walls would tumble down, and I didn't shut myself out every time an opportunity comes along. But what would life be without trying? Without experiencing moments of joy, without smiling to yourself like a mad person from time to time? Just a dull, empty space. I don't know about you, but it warms up my heart to be able to share my reality with someone. Moments don't last, but life gives us nothing but moments, so don't we rather take active part and enjoy ourselves while we're at it than just let them go too quickly? I often lose my logical outlook on life, which, later on, I regret terribly. Please, just make everything that happens to you count, will you?

thirteen going on fourteen

Thursday, 2 January 2014

May 2014 be kind and even better than 2013 was! In every possible way. It's not like I only started taking pictures after midnight, when half of the people had fled, and I had no idea how to act with a fisheye in my hand, which was shaking by the way. I'm going to brace myself, get some 400 iso films and be ready for Gdansk on the 10th. And what's most important, I will stay gold. To be quite honest, last year left me wanting more. I found myself counting fireworks, wishing myself as many chocolate bars, dirty messages, and patients as I could count at that point. I also wish myself more luck in multichotomous questions, which may be a pretty nice metaphor for always picking the best alternative, oh and a good person beside me, by the time 2015 comes.

Coming back to 2013 once more, it made me happy, more or less. And it flew by really fast. I was happy to be around people when it ended, even if I actually spent a lot of time locked away. I want to be a better person this year, to myself and to others. I should also drink less, care less and be a reasonable young woman that I am supposed to be. Right, like I will succeed anyway. Rumour has it, we can never change, therefore 2014 is more likely to be messy, crazy, and to add at least two more people into my diary stories. All because integrity and stability are not exactly my piece of cake. :) After '13 I do know more. I'm B RH negative, whiskey with sprite rocks my socks, it is about a person, not their gender, and pain is truly inevitable, yet suffering is optional. Sucks to say, but I'm turning 21 this year, which makes me legal everywhere in the whole world. Scary. Frustrating as well. My world is shrinking, when it's supposed to be expanding rapidly. I really hope you had a blast at your NYE parties wherever you were. Let's just stay positive about those forthcoming 365 days. And take more pictures, they last longer.  

It would be stupid to make any new year's resolutions. Sure, I could try to gain some kgs, go on a journey of a lifetime, fall in love, blah blah. Life is unpredictable. If you had listed things 2013 brought, back when it only started for me, I would laugh in your face. And I guess it'd had been hard to stop laughing, and in the end I'd just say some snarky comment about you being delusional or just shake my head mindlessly. But those were all my choices, only mine. If it says anything about me, maybe it means that I'm not that predictable after all?

© Dipped in Rococo ~ lifestyle in analog Maira Gall.